Friday, January 15, 2010

Insecure

I've always thought of myself as a very secure person. I'm not the most outgoing and I might not be able to articulate to a person on the spot what my convictions are (or I might be too scared to tell them face-to-face), but I know in my heart what those convictions are and I live by them consistantly. I think I'm a good person, who has faults like everyone else. Obviously there are times of insecurity or awkwardness out in public, but day to day, I know who I am.

Since having my son, I feel like insecurity has crept into my life. I think this is probably pretty normal, but I wasn't expecting it. I've worked with kids and babies most of my life - I practcally had a career in babysitting as a teenager and in my last job I worked with the children's ministry at my church. Even now I still volunteer twice a week in the nursery and ones' class. I am no stranger to babies, diapers, cherrios, etc. But sometimes I feel like I'm at a total loss with my son. I feel inadequate. I can't have fun and then hand him back to his parent because - oh, yeah - that's me! I supposed it's normal to worry that you're doing too much with them or not enough, but I guess I just didn't expect it.

I love him to death, but sometimes I wish for my old life back, when I didn't have to feel guilty about reading my book instead of playing with him on the floor or when I didn't wonder if I have the tv on too much in the background or if I'm feeding him enough. Not that I want to give him back, but it's just things I think of once in a while.

Well, now I'm going to watch a movie... or part of a movie that I've had from Netflix for probably two weeks and haven't watched since it's nap time. =)

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